Astounded

I’m not sure where to begin. That being said, I rarely know where to start when I write. It’s hard to know how to neatly sum up the thoughts and feelings from the last month or so. I don’t think there is a neat way to do it, to be completely honest. But I’ll try.

Like any normal human being, I have my share of doubts. Sometimes I’m sure I spend more time doubting God than I do trusting God. Today was such a day where all those fears and doubts were just brought to a halt by the brilliance of God’s glory and faithfulness. It was far more breathtaking than any sunset or sunrise I’ve ever seen, and I’m sure than I will see.

Today was a particularly rough day for me. Things didn’t go how I’d planned or hoped the day would go, and I spent the entire day not only frustrated with myself, but anyone around me, and with God. Did I not pray about this very thing this morning, I wondered bitterly.

As I work in the Operating Room in a small town, it’s expected that at some point, I’ll have to assist with a surgery on someone I know well, and that happened today. Details aside, there are some things as an Operating Room nurse that you see often enough, and just know what they are. That’s cancer, I thought briefly during the surgery, but my duties didn’t allow for time to grieve for my friend in that moment. I had to keep working to get the day done and worry about grieving later. The surgery went well, and my friend recovered well, before another friend of ours came to pick her up and take her home.

Later at home, I couldn’t help but feel so very angry. Angry at the crazy day. Angry at everyone. Angry and ready to quit. While I silently vented my anger towards God at the day, my phone chimed. Great, I thought, but I read the text, a little surprised to see a message from my friend, thanking me for the good care I’d given our friend who’d had surgery. Well, that was a new one, I thought, but I replied.

My friend texted me again, telling me of her worry over our other friends prognosis. No, it’s not good, I agreed, but I went back to my misery, hoping to be left in peace while I wallowed in my own reflections of the day. While I would’ve rather wallowed in my own self reflections of the day, a quiet voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Tell her you’ll pray”.

HA! Pray?, I thought, God are you crazy!? I silently asked. You want quiet, shy me, to tell someone I’ll pray? You want broken, hurting me to tell her, I’ll pray? You…you want doubting me, to tell her, I’ll pray? I can’t, God. I can’t do that, I argued. You want me, the insecure girl, telling her I’ll pray. I’ve spent the last…as long as I can remember, wondering if I’m…if I’m a good enough Christian, I continued. I don’t know what I’m suppose to be doing in this grand plan of yours…and you want me to tell someone whose clearly hurting…that I of all people am going to pray for our friend.

“Tell her you’ll pray”

No, God!, I panicked. As far as I know these two ladies have no knowledge of You. Surely there’s someone who’s more, I don’t know, qualified, and who has everything together, who can do this. They’ve mocked my faith in You, God. They’ve mocked You… If I tell my friend that I’m going to pray, I know she’ll reject it or throw it back in my face. I can’t do that, God.

“Tell her you’ll pray”.

Feeling frustrated, and perhaps in a brief moment of what I assumed was cleverness, I texted back my friend, answering a few questions she’d had for me in what can only be described as a block of text. I figured I’d be clever, and slip somewhere into the lengthy paragraph that I would pray. That way, I thought, perhaps she wouldn’t see it. Or if she did, she wouldn’t have to acknowledge it if she didn’t want to. And if she did, so be it, I thought. Whatever comes, I thought, sending the text before I returned to my bowl of supper.

The chime of a reply on my phone was not something I was either anticipating or wanting. Great, I thought, I’ll never heard the end of it now. Now, the following sentence I received, left me nearly dropping my phone into my dinner:

“Please do pray”.

Forget dropping my phone, I almost fell out of my chair.  This reply, coming from a woman that has openly mocked my faith and what I believe, to say I was taken back is an understatement.

That.. That’s a full on invitation if I ever did see one.

That moment, it completely makes up for this entire crazy, frustrating day. It makes up for the desert spell I’ve been in where I feel like I’m wandering without any sense of direction or what I’m suppose to be doing. It makes up for being mocked and ridiculed.

I’m still sitting here in a state of quiet awe all while thinking, “Wow, God! Did that just happen?!” all while being completely and utterly awestruck at God’s greatness and His sense of timing. If I’ve been sitting in a spiritual desert, that was an unexpected downpour that has not only caught me completely off guard but awaken me from the dusty slumber I’ve been in. I’m reminded of a quote I wrote in my Bible ages ago that says, “In my deepest wound, I saw Your Glory, and it astounded me”. I honestly can’t think of any better way to sum things up than that.

Astounded.

 

Astounded and left breathless and eager for the future, whatever comes.

End note: I would be so utterly grateful for prayer for this situation. I’m both terrified and excited at the prospect of being a part of two very special lives in such a moment of great hurt and unknown. Please pray for healing for my friend, that she’ll recover well from this surgery and get the rest that she needs. Pray for a good diagnosis, that the biopsies will come back as benign and that our initial look in the Operating Room will all have been a mistake on our part. And if God has other plans, please pray that the right steps will fall into place so this can get treated properly and quickly. Pray for peace and strength for family and friends. Pray for the Doctors, nurses and lab technicians involved in her care. Pray that hearts hardened will be softened, and people involved will be open to hearing about God’s great love for them.

Pray for me as I figure out how to be a blessing and God’s hands and feet to these friends, that I’ll not be held back my own fears, doubts and insecurities. That when I don’t know what to say or do, I’ll listen to God’s prompting and be brave.