(This is a picture of a dress I tried on awhile back. It’s the first time I’ve put on a dress that fit me properly, in a store that actually carried items in my size. I had a moment in the change room where I stood there and simply marvelled at this ‘first’ for me, and then thought ‘Had another woman worn this dress and put it back because she was too captive to her own fears to see her own beauty in it?’)
I had a moment of weakness last night.
I thought I’d be upset about helping plan what would be my ideal wedding, and being reminded of my singlehood. Instead, I wasn’t for the first time in years and it was a joyful reminder of how being single is such a precious thing that often is overlooked.
My moment of weakness came when my brother’s fiancee was sharing her hope that her bridesmaids would wear gorgeous matching champagne coloured dresses. The dresses are beautiful, but all I could think was was, “that’s not a dress you put a fat girl in”.
The idea of squeezing myself into that or worse, being told it doesn’t come in my size isn’t something I can wrap my mind around about joyfully enduring. And I broke down. It’s one thing for me to struggle with my weight on my own as I’ve always done, but it’s another to be faced with all those fears with a bunch of ladies excited about a wedding and looking good .
I had to make a contentious effort not to eat all the cookies that I’d baked yesterday(which I can proudly say that I DID NOT), and made myself a healthy supper (which is the last thing I wanted).
I didn’t want to go to church today, but I did anyways. After last week and being convicted to HEAR the word of God, I knew it was important that I go regardless of what I was feeling inside, and how I felt about my body on the outside.
Today at church we were talking about meeting with a purpose; “spending time together acknowledging what God has done, spending time in His word, prayer, or both”. So often when we share about what God is doing in our lives, whether we realize it or not, God has used a trial we’ve faced for His glory. We’re quick to share how we’ve come through those situations, but reluctant to share the things we struggle with right now. Whether we feel we might be embarrassed, or looked down upon, or not accepted.
That’s simply not true.
We’ve been SET FREE. We are prisoners no more!
I was thinking on a word to sum up my last year, and all I could think was “freedom”. I’ve always heard about freedom in Christ, but I don’t know if I ever fully grasped what the EXTENT of that really means. And I really think that the past year, even the past two, that God has really been working on that in me. Freedom from fear. Freedom from doubt. Freedom from shame. Freedom from hurt. And I’m not ashamed of the imperfections I have. I’m not perfect. And I will never be perfect.
In church all I could think of was being “SET FREE”.
I have been set free.
I HAVE BEEN SET FREE.
And while I have been set free, I have daily weaknesses that I am not going to hesitate to share with others. Who better than to share my weaknesses with, than those around me, who love me? Who might struggle with the same things or different things? It’s our JOY to know Him, and share Him with others, so why not let Him work in all areas of our lives that He can be glorified through?
Sometimes it’s hard to get dressed in the morning, but we still do it. We still pull on our jeans and hopefully dress appropriately for the weather. We might struggle to put together a coordinated outfit, but we still do it every day.
There is a daily struggle that we all face. My struggle is that I’m not reading in my Bible or spending time in prayer every day. Just as I get dressed every morning, I need to hear and read God’s word every day, so that when I have these moments of weakness (because I will, regardless of how much time I spend in prayer or in Gods word), that I, chunky stubborn young woman, will be reminded and believe that I am irrevocably fully known and fully loved by God. Is anyone else incredibly thankful that He continuously pursues our wandering hearts when we continually think we know better? Thank God for that!
My other daily struggle is with my weight. From what I put on in the morning, to being judged for what I’m eating, to wedging myself in a plane seat, to being worried that I might ruin a bride’s expectations for her bridesmaids dresses. It’s a daily weakness.
This Psalm was read in church this morning, and I can’t help but marvel at how something written back then is just as relevant today. God works in those moments of weakness, and when we are reminded of what God has brought us through, we can wait with joyful expectation.
Psalm 63: 1-8 (ESV)
O God, You are my God; earnestly I seek You;
my soul thirsts for You;
my flesh faints for You, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water.
So I have looked upon You in the sanctuary, beholding Your power and glory.
Because Your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise You.
So I will bless You as long as I live;
in Your name I will lift up my hands.
My soul will be satisfied as with fat and rich food, and my mouth will praise You with joyful lips,
When I remember You upon my bed,
and meditate on You in the watches of the night;
For You have been my help, and in the shadow of Your wings I will sing for joy.
My soul clings to You;
Your right hand upholds me.
And on this marvellously frosty winter day, when I’ve been reminded about what being SET FREE means. I know I can enjoy current body, because He has set me free, and will continue to as I joyfully hand this weakness over to him daily.
Ephesians 4:22-24 (NIV)
You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; To be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
The Northern Heart 